To those paying attention, it has been a long time since my last post. That is a combination of having a lot happening personally, as well as being in a place in my marriage where I didn’t feel I had anything to offer in this space. Perhaps that was the wrong approach, and I’ll begin to share some of those experiences and what I learned from them. My wife and I are stronger now than when we started, but it wasn’t an easy process, and there were times I wasn’t sure we would make it. Through lots of difficult conversations, fights, and personal and marriage counselling, we’re beginning to build the lives together we both want, but it’s still a daily choice to do the work required. For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, marriage isn’t for the faint of heart. Combining two different lives into one where each person feels their needs are being met, and that there is a benefit to living joining lives beyond saving on bills.

One of the biggest keys to building a strong marriage is being able to approach conflict in a healthy and productive way, since conflict will come, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. I personally try very hard to avoid conflict, so when it comes my tendency is to try and avoid it, which in marriage means avoiding my  wife when she has expressed or I feel she might be angry with me. Sometimes this might be because we’ve had an argument and we haven’t fully reconciled, or I may simply sense a tension and don’t know what it is, and subconsciously don’t want to bring it up and possible create a conflict. I can speak from experience that avoiding thee situations, or disengaging from tense or difficult situations is not remotely helpful, and instead only does more damage. Whether she is angry with me or not, if she is feeling upset, she doesn’t want to feel like I’m being distant instead of doing the difficult work of supporting her through tough situations. In other words, a great way to make whatever she may be going through is if she feels like she is going through that alone, and that I don’t care. Here are some ways to remain engaged and show that you love and care, even if you’re upset with each other

1. Ask what is wrong if you don’t know. Don’t phrase it in a way that she is doing anything wrong but merely mention that you observed she might be feeling off and you want to make sure she’s okay. If it’s not very obvious what the problem is, don’t assume you know exactly what is going on, and even what she is visibly upset about may not be the root issue. The issue may not even be connected to you, but a lack of empathy and care could change that.
2. If you’re fighting, don’t leave unless it’s for a communicated period of time to cool off and know you’re going to re-engage. This might be an hour, or even overnight as long as that is communicated. Otherwise, don’t walk away from difficult conversations or tense situations, even if might be just sitting together quietly, or changing the subject if the issue has been resolved, but emotions are still tense.
3. Often the best approach is listening and responding in ways that show you care about her, even if it’s not a solution. People often already know how to resolve their problems but still want to know they’re heard by someone they care about.
4. Watch for behaviors that keep you away from home, even if you’re not consciously avoiding anything. For me in the past this has been work, where in hindsight I realized that when things were tense with my wife it led to more time at work, which only made the situation worse. For other people this might be any number of activities that may be innocent enough on their own but can have negative consequences when used as a way to escape tough situations at home.
5. Marriage counselling isn’t just a last-ditch effort to save a marriage. Don’t wait until it’s too late to begin that process. Don’t be ashamed to seek outside help, either from professional or another couple with a strong marriage, while also realizing some of the specifics of what works for them may not work for you (for example, strong communication is key in all marriages, but what that looks like will vary)
6. Don’t use humor as a deflection technique. It can be easy to avoid difficult conversations with jokes, but it won’t help deal with the issues in a relationship. Humour can help lighten a mood or defuse a situation, but it can also prevent genuine conversation and growth from happening.
7. Develop your own “Queensberry Rules”. Work together to decide what is and is not acceptable in a fight and hold yourselves to those rules. This could be that fights are resolved in the same day, that you do not speak negatively  about your partner to other people (especially your kids) when fighting, a code word to say you need a break to de-escalate a situation, or that if one person reaches out their arms the other person has to come in for a hug. They just need to be established before a fight happens and you both need to commit to abide by those rules and decide that a fight does not need to mean the end of a relationship.

In summary, disagreements will happen, but the key is how we approach them. If you work together as a couple to resolve issues it strengthens your relationship, but if you disengage and lose connection with each other, it will begin chipping away at the closeness and trust in your relationship, so even if that issue is resolved there’s still long term damage as a result. Choose to remain engaged and connected, even when it’s difficult.