The role of being a dad is criminally underrated, and a lot of that comes from the low standard set by many fathers. Everyone either has a dad, or knows someone who does, who has abandoned their family, been abusive or emotionally absent from their lives. No wonder our celebration of dads could best be described as muted in comparison to how we celebrate mothers. It is time for dads everywhere to step up and answer the call. Your kids need you, your partner needs you, the world needs you, and you need you to become active and engaged in the parenting of your children.
This is likely the most obvious, but your kids need you to be active and involved in their lives. Research has shown that kids from fatherless homes are more likely to deal with obesity, behavioral issues, teen pregnancy, runaway/homelessness, substance abuse, incarceration and suicide. Conversely, kids with active and engaged dads are more likely to graduate from high school and college, more likely to get good grades in school and deal with fewer behaviour issues in school, tend to develop better verbally and socially, and are more likely to develop healthy romantic relationships. You may notice that many of these areas where fathers have the biggest impact are areas that require establishing structure, discipline and self-control. This is because typically, not always, but typically, dads play a stronger role in helping kids develop structure and discipline in their lives by providing those when the child is young, while the mother often plays more of a nurturing role. Both of these roles are critical in the healthy development of a child, and both are equally important, which is why the traditional role of a mother being the primary parent and the father being seen primarily as a provider and only a distant second in terms of parenting does not lend itself to healthy child-rearing. Since parenting is such a complex undertaking, there is no one person that has the requisite skillset to raise a child, which is why an equal partnership in parenting is ideal where a father plays an equal role is the ideal. Obviously, this is not always an option which is why single parents should reach out to those they trust to build strong role model relationships for their kids to help fill that void.
Secondly, your partner/co-parent needs you to step us a father. Whether you are together or not, the mother of your children needs you to play your role in raising your children. The reason for this is two fold. Firstly, as previously mentioned, the role of parenthood is too complex for a person to have all the necessary skills to properly perform all the tasks required, so if one parent is not present or disengaged, the other parent is required to overextend themselves and attempt to fill roles they are not really qualified to fill. Also, while the single income household has nearly disappeared, the breakdown of household and parenting duties has not always adapted to these realities, often resulting in the mother pulling double duty working the same amount out of the home, while also carrying a larger load in the home. This obviously leads to them feeling overworked and stressed, and stretched beyond their capabilities. Each couple needs to figure what breakdown of duties works for them, based on each persons skills and abilities. Something similar should happen for co-parents and figuring out how to use each persons abilities to best raise their children, but there are likely those with far more experience than me on how that looks. In terms of myself and my wife specifically I tend to be better at implementing the structures and routines to manage the daily life of our house, while my wife tends to be more creative and nurturing. We both have to understand each of us is critical to parenting our children and understanding when we need to defer to the other person in a situation. As an example, I have established a daily bedtime schedule, but there are times when my wife, who is far better then me at recognizing our children’s emotional needs, knows that one of the kids needs some quality parent time, even though that means they’re going to be getting to bed later, and I need to defer in that situation. Conversely, there are times when I need to step in to establish those structures because it’s something my wife does not do as well. Either one of us on our own is missing a crucial aspect of raising our children within our own natural abilities, but when we are both fully engaged and working together to raise our kids we are both far more effective and are healthier physically, mentally and emotionally when sharing the load.
Thirdly, the world needs you to be engaged as a dad. There is a common, and not completely inaccurate, stereotype of dads being physically absent (went to get a pack of smokes and never came back), emotionally absent (workaholic dad who has no idea what’s going on with his children), or worst of all, abusive. As I said, these stereotypes are not without cause, as there are large numbers of fathers who fall into each of these categories. This not only creates a negative image of all dads, but then drastically lowers the bar for what is expected of other dads, resulting in fathers settling for far less than they are capable of since they already exceeded the societal expectation placed on them simply by being present and occasionally playing with their kids. An illustration of this is when my wife takes our kids to the store, she gets judgmental glances, and sometimes comments, when one of the kids is misbehaving, but if I take the kids out, no matter how poorly they’re acting, I receive almost universal encouragement and praise just for trying. The only way to change this reputation is for fathers everywhere to begin operating differently, and it can start with you and me.
Finally, you need you to become more involved as a dad. Being a dad can be the most rewarding experience in your life. The opportunity to invest so much in a person and seeing the person they become is an irreplaceable experience, and one that cannot be duplicated any other way. In a recent survey of young dads, 90% said they found being a dad the most exciting thing in their life, 85% considered being a dad the best job in the world and 73% feel their life didn’t even begin before their first child was born. Clearly the rewards of being dad for the dad himself can be great and it can be an extremely rewarding experience. If you’re one of the dads who feels like more of a spectator when it comes to parenting, jump in the game. Not only will it be great for your kids and your partner, but for you as well. Even though there will definitely be tough times, it is still an extremely rewarding experience, and definitely worth what seems like thankless work.
Hopefully this has made it clear just how critical your role as a dad is for your kids, for your partner, for how the world perceives dads as a whole, and also for the rewards it brings you. Whatever other jobs or roles you may have, none of them are likely to be as impactful and rewarding as your role as a dad.
